I need to celebrate Leigha's life, grieve the loss of her, and, somehow, welcome her into my life in new ways: the sadness and the joy together. I knew I would be going on an adventure this summer, yet I didn't expect this. I was, however, worried that she would get sick when we relocated to California this summer and that I wouldn't have a support system around me yet. I also worried about not having a familiar place to bury her. Her passing while we were still in NY is both profound and extremely painful.
In the traditional version of the Amida (central prayer in Judaism) God is referred to, among other things, the One Who Gives Life to the Dead. I had a problem with this because it seemed so hopeless, focusing on death rather than life. Then, a rabbi gave me a new meaning for this blessing. He talked about how his beloveds who have passed on somehow live on in his life becuase he remembers them. I liked that. I had no idea I would so soon be thinking of my cat Leigha during that blessing.
It's a belief in Judaism that animals already have a pure soul, and therefore don't need the purification that the Kaddish prayer is believed to provide. Yet I need a prayer every day that recognizes her life and death, so I've been saying it.
In Memory of Leigha, my dear cat friend
Originally known as Lottie
Born 1990 or 91 Came to live with me December 27 or 28, 1993
Died June 18, 2006
She came from an animal shelter outside of Middletown, NY. I remember going to get her on a snowy day. I have a vivid memory of seeing drifted snow, though fallen days before, blown by the wind along the quiet country road I traveled. I remember something in Leigh's history about an elderly couple and a fire, but my memory may have mixed up the details. Anyway, when I met Leigh, it was love right away. When she first got into my lap, she crawled right into my jacket. I assume she was seeking comfort, and seemed so at home. That was such a sweet feeling. I love that bond. Years later, she continued to do that, when she wanted to escape the unknowns of the exam at the vet's office!
Leigh had the sweetest little meow. I thought she sounded like a little monkey. She was such a sweet pea. She also had a healthy growl, which she showed off when she had enough of being brushed, or when she wanted to make sure I or anyone else did not come between her and her precious cat nip. She also made use of that skill with Siam, our feline roommate during the last year of Leigha's life. (And, yes, I have felt guilt about putting her through that).
Leigh went on so many adventures with me over the years. For two summers, she accompanied me on my sojourn to New York City so I could work on my master's degree, she came with me when I went to live at a retreat center, and she came down to New York City again for the last two year of her life. I am so grateful that she was able to be with me last summer as I house-sat in uostate New York. I always felt at home, going from place to place, partially because my sweet faithful friend was with me. I loved having her there to talk to. She was such a comfort.
My Mom called my wonderful companion my 'roommate'. Leigha shared so much with me, and, like any good cat does, she had her own life, too. I know sometimes I took her for granted. I'm not perfect. I think she understood that, just like she had cat-things to do without me, I had people things I had to do without her, too.
Leigh was a beautiful creature who I am so grateful to have shared my life with. We lived together for about 1/3 of my life, from 25-almost 38. She saw me through so many changes over 12 ½ years! Leigha was who I came home to after getting free of nicotine! And she watched me learn how to live in the world without that deadly 'crutch'.
Leigha was a grounding force in my life. With Leigh's insistence that she go outside when we lived in a cottage on by river, she taught me a lot about freedom, balance, and overcoming fear.
Having Leigha curl up with me was a treat. I loved how Leigha used to climb on my back while I was doing yoga. I love how she used to curl up behind my knees while I slept. She also loved a flat lap to sit in. During the last couple of years in New York City, I was home much sat with a flat enough lap for her. Perhaps she was robbed of good lap time, but she often found ways to curl up. About a week before she passed away, she sat on my shins, even though they were at a 45 degree angle from the ground. Since I had never seen her do thst before, I guess she needed that. Looking back, I did, too. The night before she died, we were sitting outside on my parents' balcony. I apologized to her for not doing the fluids more or right away. She was laying nearby, and a few minutes later, mustered up the energy to get up and collapse into my lap. I was so surprised because I was sitting in lotus position, not an angle she liked for lap time at all. I took it to mean "I forgive you" and "I love you." Unfortunately my hips started to hurt, and I debated about whether I should move or not. When the pain became severe enough, I moved and she got up and meandered back to her spot nearby. I feel guilt I had to move, and I am glad we had that moment.
When we lived in that little cottage, Leigha loved to perch on the deck and watch the world. There she also loved to find shade in the garden. I am so grateful that when she went outside, Leigha always came back! Even of she did eat the neighbor cat's food while she was on a diet to prevent kidney stones! And even if it did sometimes take a while to coax her in at night. The years there were, I imagine, her favorites, because she got to experience the life of an outdoor cat. I know they were special times for me.
Leigha did adjust to being in New York City, though. She loved to stretch out on the carpet at my family's house. (a luxury for her!). And she loved to lay in the sun, even if through a window. While I was out, she also enjoyed sitting with my father and later our roomate. I know she also loved being fed by my mother!
Leigh was extremely passionate about "schmitchiks", the circular plastic tabs around gallon water jugs. She would have a grand time flinging them and chasing them. The circular shape gave a great spring action, and it was a lot like flinging a mouse. She would touch it with her paw, and it would go flying. She also loved playing with live mice, and often happily shared them with me in the middle of the night. I thought it was appropriate that she passed sometime between 2 and 5:30 am, prime times that she had often woke me up to with mice. Oh what I wouldn't have given to shriek at a live Leigha with a mouse the morning she passed!
Leigha was a faithful companion. Ok, faithful as far as cats go! She'd leave peas in her food dish (we tried to be healthy!) and often try to bury her food when she wanted something different. When she didn't get her way, she would chew up papers. When I was teaching, I got to use the age-old excuse of "my cat ate your homework" to some students. Oh, how I miss little bits of paper all over the floor!
Leigha was sooo soft! I noticed how shiny her head was just hours before she died. That was part of why it was so hard to believe that she was letting go. The last couple of weeks of her life were confusing. I fluctuated between trying to 'save' her at almost all costs and being concerned that I was interrupting her process, getting in the way of her passing. I got her fluids, didn't, then did again. I know part of my intention was selfish: I did not want to bare the burden of a cat who needed so much attention at this point in my life. Am I responsible for Leigh's life ending earlier than it would have had she gotten more fluids more regularly? Maybe. I feel guilt about that. All the experience with Hospice and grief work was hard to apply to my own beloved friend. I hope Leigha forgives me.
I did not refer to Leigha as 'old' until about three weeks before she passed. Sometimes denial can be a gift to a certain extent. Maybe, on some level, I knew what was going on, even though I didn't want to see it consciously. I was talking to a friend and said how I wanted Leigha to be able to go outside again. About 2 weeks later while bringing her to the vet to get fluids, I put the carrier down in a patch of grass on the sidewalk while loading her into the car, and I thought of how this was that wish coming to fruition. Even though she was feeling terrible, I hope she experienced something sweet about being in the grass after all that time being indoors in the city.
The Torah portion read during the first Sabbath I realized Leigha was sick contained the blessing "May God bless you and guard you, May God show you that Presence and be gracious to you, and May God lift that Presence towards you and grant you peace." It so fit my wishes for her. The next Sabbath, her last, contained a simple prayer about healing. "Please, God, heal her!" I asked the same for Leigha. I had been asking for her to be healed in body of possible, and if not, for a smooth passing with a healing of spirit either way. I believe she got the healing that was possoble at the time.
The Friday night before she died, Leigha spent a couple of hours on a pillow on the balcony with me. I sang and told her she could do whatever she needed to, that I was with her 100%, either way. I may not have believed it at that point. It was so sublime. The next day I took care of her, then took care of me, then came back to be with her. I am glad that I could be present for her.
I hope she did not have to suffer during the weeks of my vacillating back and forth. I wasn't totally sure she was really dying, even though our vet said that it sounded like she was going. It was frustrating deailing with a new vet in New York City and not being face-to face with our regular holistic vets, who were upstate. From the beginning, the vet we went to in NYC and I were not on the same wave length, as he seemed to be more interested in going to any length to extend Leigha's life. I, on the other hand was questioning the nature and quality of extending her life. I didn't want her to suffer. I wanted her to be as happy as possible. I aso was concerned about moving across the country with a sick cat, and still feel a little selfish about that. Of course, I have experienced concern that I may have "killed' Leigha by not doing more aggressive treatments. Both of our regualr vets did say it sounded like she was fading, and, yet, at both of their recommendations, I did try a last ditch effort with the fluids Saturday morning, and planned to again that night. At midnight Saturday, Leigha was under the couch. I waited a while, contemplated dragging her out to try the fluids and the homeopathic remedy one of our doctors recommended to now double dose her with. I then remembered how Leigha went into the closet and stayed there for a few hours when we came home from the vet 5 days earlier after a weekend of fluid therapy, something she had never done before. And in my focus was also how earlier that afternoon, she laid down on the bathroom floor, which a friend told me her cat also did towards the end of her life. I did not want her last hours to be filled with poking and prodding. I guess during those hours I had given up that she would rally and pull through. I hope the vacillating didn't lead to any suffering for her.
Sometime during the wee hours of Sunday morning she came into the room where we were staying and died there as I slept. It was funny that I woke up when I did, and that my father was also up. Maybe on some level we sensed something. My mother later asked if cats have souls, because she had a dream that night that a cat was scratching her face. I felt terrible that I didn't get to be with Leigha (consciously) when she died. I felt fear she thought I didn't care because I went to sleep. I know she knows I care.
Even though Leigha was in New York City these past two years, I still considered Ulster County home. It was strange driving her body back up state to bury her, since that drive was always such a joy to me. This time, though, I was bringing my beloved cat upstate to bury her. It was such a contrast to last summer when I brought her upstate to speand the summer, so vibrantly alive. It was so hard.
Leigh, as I called her before I got into Judaism, can be spelled in Hebrew with the letters lamed yud, which can be translated as "for me"... She was a gift for me! "Leigh-Bi," another nickname, can be spelled in Hebrew lamed bet yud, and can be translated as "my heart". Leigha was and is a big part of my heart. Keeping the L of her original name, Lottie, I named Leigh after Leo Buscaglia, the Hug/Love Doctor at UCLA in the 80's. I wanted to keep the intention of unconditional love through her name. I want to continue to do that even with her death...
Thank you for letting me share about my beloved cat Leigha!
321-784-1468 Tech Support
