My dearest Ash-

MEOW! How I long to be with you! I also wish you were here. It's been three weeks and I miss you so much. The house seems so empty now. I don't really like going home. I do what I can,though. Momma Cat says hi. She's been keeping me company lately, but it's not you. It seems like she doesn't know that you're gone. Or maybe she does;I don't know. It's so weird talking about it. Today I was able to look at pictures of you without crying. But then I got very sad and put the camera away.
You looked so healthy. You seemed fine. I can't believe how fast you went. Who am I gonna sing to now? Who's going to fetch bottle caps? Who? There wasn't a cat quite like you. You are very precious to me. We all thought Momma Cat would go way before you. I thought we had more time together. No wonder you were sleeping in my bra box. You were always around, waiting to be next to me. I think you knew you were going to go, didn't you?

It's just that sometimes I still think God hates me. I know He doesn't. It's just that I'm afraid of Him. Last night while praying, I diddn't know what to say. I got all choked up and prayed that my prayer wouldn't become sin. I know He says don't blame yourself, but I can't help thinking sometimes. Should I have brought you in sooner? Would it have made a difference? Were you born with this? Why'd you have to go, anyway? I hope in time soon I can believe God is right. I cannot bear the pain. I pray that I wasn't negligent with one of His creatures. And I miss YOU. I wish we could run and jump and play like before. But you're not coming home. It's not like you're in the hospital and coming back. It's boring without you now. Life just isn't fun anymore. Oh, I've been out with friends and that distracts me for awhile. But then the lonliness comes back. Fortunately it doesn't last that long. I think you told me it's ok when I move on. It doesn't mean that I love you any less. But you're not there at the top of the stairs anymore, my loyal friend. Momma Cat comes out eventually, but it's just not the same. I hope to God you didn't suffer. Or at least not much. Little guy,if I could have given you My Own Blood, I would have. I would have done anything for you. Anything at all. Was I too late?

I miss touching you and petting you. My sister Kim pointed out your fur aound your neck like a collar, that it was so regal. oh, I hate talking about you in the past tense. What happened, little guy? If I had known...but I'm sure you know that. I know you loved me; I could see it in your face. I just wish I could be with you now.

Well, next week, I'm going to the city. Ask Jesus that I get a good job. I miss you so much. I hope I am blameless before the Throne. Well, one day this won't hurt. Until then, I love you very much.

Love forever,
Mommy