Tuesday, March 30th

This was possibly one of the worst days of my life. I made a decision that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. I couldn't really tell how much or to what degree of pain you were in. This last week even though you were on daily pain meds you still yelped and looked at me like I had poked you with the tip of a red hot iron, yet I was on the other side of the couch. When you continued to throw up and ate less and less, and wanted to be in your kennel more I knew your time of leaving me wasn't far away. The last morning your little hind legs kept sliding out from under you.

Sam the last thing I wanted to do was to make the decision. I wanted so desperately for you to just fall asleep and not wake up. I agonized over this moment, and dreaded our final moments together.

I called the shelter. They said to bring you in before 11:00. I couldn't stop crying knowing we would no longer be together. You had been with me for seven years. You helped alleviate the pain I felt after losing Ed. You filled up all the lonely hours of the day and long evenings.

Sam you had a lot more patience than I have ever had. I can picture you lying on the bathroom rug patiently waited for me to curl my hair, and put on my make-up. You only left the room with I sprayed my hair.

Wherever I went you were my shadow. I couldn't even close the bathroom door. If I did you would push your nose against the door to gain entry. You were my little shadow, a constant companion showing unconditional love. You would put your front paws on my lap and want me to scratch you behind your ears. When I was on the computer you had to sit on the chair right next to me. Then you would sneak across to my lap while I typed. I couldn't even play the piano without you demanding to sit on my lap.

Even though you were mostly deaf you would still let me know that my food in the microwave was done. Of course, I know you were just waiting for me to share my dinner with you.

I loved your spurts of energy when you ran like a madman, pivoting, jumping onto the chair, down, then bounding on the couch, panting with your tongue hanging out, from the couch to the bedroom making a circle three or four times before you ran to your water dish to quench your thirst from all that exercise. You made me laugh every time you did this.

I know you had a sense of humor. I would be sewing downstairs and that was the only time I wouldn't let you sit on my lap. I would get up to iron my project and you would jump from the couch, run over, jump up onto my sewing chair, curl up and look at me with a smile on your little fuzzy face. I know you were thinking "aha I got her." Wrong I simply picked you up and put you back on the couch. You definitely had a stubborn streak. We would go through this scenario 3 or 4 times before you got the message.

I loved your demanding personality. Especially when I didn't understand what you wanted me to do and you would stamp your foot like a petulant little two year old. The only time you wanted to be left alone was at night between 8 and 10 PM. You just wanted to sleep. Then as soon as 10:00 came you thought we should go to bed and you would bark until I put your blanket on my bed. However there were nights I didn't want to go to bed at 10:00 and wanted to stay up later. So I did much to your dismay.

I'll remember how you helped me paint the wall under the chair rail. After you walked through the paint tray I quickly put you outside and you left your little footprints all over the deck. Not to mention when I painted the front bedroom. You stepped again into the paint tray this time adding your prints to the carpet. Luckily I put you into the tub , closed the shower curtain so you couldn't jump out, and then cleaned up the mess you had made. I realized you were being yourself, always underfoot and that I was a slow learner and should have put you in your kennel whenever I painted.

All the lonely times you were there for me, you were my constant companion and I was there for you, trying to determine what you needed and loving you unconditionally just like you did me.

I miss you buddy, more than you will ever know. I have lost so many people I have loved, and now you. Tears come quickly now, but in time I know I'll move on. I'll reread what I have written in memory of you and smile through my tears thinking of the "good times."