I'm sorry Bella
by Lisa Evans.........................................
I've always had cats. When I was little my mom wouldn't let them in the house. I liked cats but they were just pets, not members of my family. When my son was about 13, a little gray cat walked in our front door and stayed. She adopted us. We called her Bella. She was with us for years and liked to sleep on my hair. I had long hair and she just had to sleep on it. It was kind of annoying because it always woke me up when I turned my head and my hair got pulled but it was also endearing. One year she stopped sleeping with me and I noticed she favored the bed in the spare room. Well, I thought that was okay. Life was so busy, I was a paralegal and my job took all my mental strength. One night Bella came back to bed and I was remember noticing it seemed difficult for her to jump up on the bed...to this day I hate myself for not paying more attention to that. I was oblivious. After that one time she was always in the same place on the spare bed after that. Finally I noticed she was getting thin. THAT made me notice her. I went to pet her and cuddle her. I brought food right to her, and at that time I only fed my cats dry cat food. She opened her mouth to take some and then let it fall out of her mouth. I took her head and opened her mouth and she made a noise I will never forget. A noise of pain. Her mouth was white and red inside, terribly infected. I remember that last time she slept with me, quite a few months ago, she had terrible breath. I believe she was asking me for help that night and I failed her. She had FIV and she was dying. The vet couldn't understand why I let her get so sick and lose so much weight. Oh, she didn't say it, but I saw it in her eyes. My weak explanation that my life was busy and I didn't notice wasn't good enough. When it was too late I realized how much I loved her and that I missed her sleeping on my hair. I cried till I was sick that day, when I had to let them put her to sleep. I still cry when I think of you and that was 13 years ago. My little gray Bella. She was always so small, so when she lost weight it was finally enough to make me notice. I'm so sorry Bella. I have faith that you are happy and healthy and free now. I hope that when we meet again you can tell me you forgive me (for I have no doubt that we will be able to talk). I try to make up for my failing you with our other cats. We have five of them now and they are so precious to us, like our children. I don't take any of them for granted. Several months after you died, my husband brought me a tiny gray homeless cat. He brought her to me at work for a surprise but it certainly backfired...I fell apart. She is also small, but robust with health. I lavish attention on her, attention that I was too stupid to give to you. She is my heart, as are our other cats. You woke up my heart, and I will always love you and I will always be sorry I let you down. Thank you for waking me up to the wonder and responsibility of love for our companions in this life. I have finally put this into words. I hope no one judges me too harshly. I judge myself harshly enough. Remember my Bella, I do.
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Lisa Evans
 
  321-784-1468 
Tech Support
The Rainbow Bridge Pin
The Poem