My sweet Boykat, the little light of my life, my love, my truest friend has died. He was diagnosed with lymphoma in February. I anguished many hours and days over what path to take, how best to care for him. No suffering, no suffering was my biggest rule. We started with a chemo therapy, this did not work. The tumors around his small throat grew large, his breathing laborous, every time he tried to take a bite, every movement, every time I wanted to pick him up, he would cough and choke. The only thing left was radiation. I prayed, desparate anguished prayers for God to shrink those tumors. Unbelieveably, incredibly, overnight they vanished. Vanished. But my Boy would not eat. He would not drink. He lay still, eyes fixed. He's just depressed, stressed over the treatment my husband said.

So I waited till Wednesday morning, took him to the vet. His little body was weak, his temp low and his BP at 50. They hooked him up to an IV, gave him antibiotics. What happened, I asked?? Well, the tumors dissapeared, but so rapidly that all of the dead cancer cells with all of their evil toxins went into my sweet Boy's body, his lungs. God had answered my prayers and shrunk those tumors, but now he lay dying.

I visited him yesterday afternoon, held him and whispered to him to get better. Miraculously, he opened his little eyes, he drank water from a bowl for the first time since Sunday night. I was overjoyed. He was getting better! Yet I noticed he winced in pain when I layed him down, eyes wide and looking at me. I left, hopeful. At 4:30 the horrible call, my sweet Boy had respiratory arrest, blood and fluid coming from those little lungs, he was having seizures. I screamed for the vet to hurry....hurry and please give him a shot quickly and end the suffering...and then he was gone. My worst nightmare, the thing I dreaded the most...my sweet love spent the last hours of his life suffering horribly. And me not there with him at the end, one of the things I was determined to do was be with him as he left this earth....It is too much to bear, I am wracked with guilt and grief. All I can picture is his last look at me, eyes widened in pain, and the images I have of him convulsing....how can I bear this. I loved him so.