I can still replay the day eleven and a half years ago. My roomate and I were looking for a dog and I so wanted a Husky, Little did I know that I would find a black and white furball with paws almost the size of her body that would steal my heart.

The add read Free Malamute/? puppies. We went to take a peak thinking I would never come home with one, they werent what I wanted. But there she was the last puppy to follow her mom down the steps of a brand new deck their owners had just put in. When Kahlua got to that bottom step she slipped and slid across the deck to stop right at my feet. I knew I was in for it. I picked her up and she crawled up my chest and nuzzled her face into the crook of my neck and there she stayed. I handed her to my roommate and Kahlua started to cry, the hand off was made back to me and she once again crawled up my chest and setteled into the crook of my neck. It was done I had just been picked. People always say there is a "sign" when you get your furbaby, well this was the biggest sign there ever could be. Little did I know how much Kahlua would bless and change my life.

I dont think she ever realized she wasnt a "human". Everything she did was just like us. Our covers would be neatly made on our bed every morning only to come home after a day at work to see that they had been pulled back to gain access to the pillows. She would always act like it wasnt her and have herself down at the end of the bed by the time I made it upstairs only to have the warmth on the pillows give her away. She would look at me with an innocence of a child on her face as if she didnt do it. I would simply look at her and ask her to tell me that she loves me and she would along with a rain of kisses on me.

I miss her warmth, her love, I just miss her. My heart is broken and I always thought that the term "heartbroken" was just a term. It really isnt supossed to feel like your heart is breaking, but it does.

Kahlua passed November 13,2005. It was very unexpected something I wasnt prepared for. She had fallen down the stairs in the morning (which was something we thought would happen one day because she would always run up and down the stairs and we would have to say Kahlua slow). Then she would slowly walk down the stairs. Well this morning I heard her fall and continued to hear her going down the stairs. I find her looking up at me with a dazed look on her face wondering what happened. We took her to the emergency vet and everything checked out fine, they told me she was safe to go home. I was ecstatic!!! She was ok, my baby girl, my sweet pea was fine.

Throughout the day I stayed with her snuggled just as she used to when hse was a puppy. Although now at 74 pounds she could no longer crawl up my chest, she would just nuzzle her nose into the crook of my neck. Things started changing during the day, she wasnt herself, not wanting to drink which she needed to do after her body going through the shock of the fall. I would watch her intently, call the vet and ask questions and at times I thought I was just reading more into everything she did. Im trained to know people medicine not animal medicine. I didnt know if the signs were the same.

Finally the decision was made she had to go back in, she didnt want to take any fluids, I get her up and she immediately collapses. We needed to get her there fast. We get her into the car and race to the vet. Several times I thought she was going to die in my arms, she would look up at me and just drop her head back down. I thought its something from the fall, her chest is bruised they'll remove the pressure and she'll be in the hospital for a few days, or she maybe she did break a bone.

We get to the hospital as my mom is running into get the stretcher I already have my beloved Kahlua out of the car and am running in with my 74 pound bundle of love. They ask me if I want a full code (oh my god what if she does code?) and I scream YES PLEASE JUST SAVE HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom and I are ushered into a room where the vet meets us. We then find out what is wrong. Her abdomen is full of blood she tells me and that it is due to her spleen rupturing from a hemangio sarcoma. I was stunned. Do they have the right dog? My baby just fell. She doesnt have a tumor what is she saying? I am then being told that she may only have two months to live if they remove her spleen but more than likely just a few days because it has probably spread all over her body. DO YOU HAVE THE RIGHT DOG??? This cant be her. I am told I have to put her down.

I couldnt do it. Couldnt make that decision, there were so many other factors. She just fell down 15 stairs, there is another reason!!!! I owe it to Kahlua, my sweet pea, my Kahlua bear! I need to know, if it is something that can be fixed. I want xrays and ultrasounds I want everything to see if there is a "tumor" because it would have spread and we could pick up on it. Nothing, everything came up negative. I tell them they have made a mistake. No I cant let her go!!!!!! She's my baby, I only have a 10-20% chance that it isnt the sarcoma. But that is a 20% chance that I have to take. She picked me to be her protector, to care for her to love her until the end. I owe her this and I just cant let her go.

The decision was made to explore her abdomen to see if there was anything that could be fixed and if in fact a tumor was found they would help her sleep, and make it to Rainbow Bridge while she was on the table. As hard as that decision was to make I knew that was the only thing left I could do for her. I wanted to be selfish and keep her with me for as long as I could, but I owed this to her. I was chosen as her protector and this was the only thing left I could do to protect her.

My sweet baby girl, my sweet pea went to Rainbow Bridge that night. As it turned out it wasnt in fact her spleen, but was her liver. Which was almost 95% engulfed in this tumor. My Kahlua bear had been sick for sometime and never showed it. No signs, no pain. The vet said she probably didnt even know anything was wrong with her. I believe that. At 3:30 am the morning of her fall she woke me up with the brand new toy she had just gotten wanting to play. At the time I didnt know how much I would come to cherish that wake up call with one of the loudest squeaker toys she ever had. I am glad I gave her those moments that morning to play, I now know I owed that to her. I wonder if she knew what was coming and if she just wanted to play one last time. I have that toy next to my bed with her picture and collar.

I hurt every day and sometimes think I can still hear her. That I can hear her tags or her getting one of her toys and wanting to rumble. I can feel her around me. I can sense when she is near when I am crying and missing her so. Just like she always did when she was here. If anyone was upset she would be right there to lean her body into you so she could get as close as she could so you could feel her love and the protection she had for us. I know things will get easier with time. As hard as the decision was for me to make, I did what was right for Kahlua, I owed her that.

My Kahlua bear, my love, my sweet pea. I love and miss you soo much it hurts. But I know you are having so much fun and feel no pain. I will see you again one day. Please wait for me Kahlua, please dont go until I get there. Ive got your squeaky cow waiting to pick up on our 3:30am play time. I love you!!!