I had made up my mind Friday that I was going to spend every minute of my weekend being with Daisy and help her get adjusted to her new home... she has never liked change and after being in one place for 8 years and me now having to move while she is sick with cancer, made her depressed for the last 2 weeks. It didn't help that those last 2 weeks I wasn't there for her during her stressful transition. The first week I had surgery and was so out of it and in bed the whole time I barely acknowledged her the way I do; then last weekend I moved to a new place and she was not adjusting to it well and it didn't help because of me having to be away at work, and not being able to go home at lunch anymore to check on her and let her out like she was used to, and then also, not being able to be with her in the evenings due to finishing up loose ends each night, so I had planned to make it up to her this weekend and be with her and pet and brush her and just plain hang out with her... she deserved that more than anything - she needed that from me!
She got sick with severe diarrhea on Wednesday and had already stopped eating since the move (I think due to depression because I kept having to be away for too long. I think me being away and NOT being able to even go home at lunch had to be a traumatic shock to her- being in a new place and then me not being able to be there with her.
I made a vet appt for Saturday, and felt they would suggest putting her down, but I told myself, I would just request the vet to prescribe her a Valium or something so that I could take her back to her favorite old spot, give her the prescription, let her fall asleep there in my arms and then take her back to the vet to finish the rest, "if" putting her down was my only option. That was my plan what God told me to do but only AFTER the whole weekend of spending time with her.
Saturday morning came - my anticipated planned day to be with my Daisy. God had given me several signs that day that I was doing the right thing by my plans.
These were God's signs:
1) She ate for the first time on Friday night - not much, but to me, she was trying to come around - all she needed was me to spend time with her during the weekend.
2) She perked up and had a little more strength Saturday morning to the point I almost cancelled her appt, but I decided I will still go cuz I'm going to get a 2nd opinion anyway from my favorite vet that was located farther away and let them do the euthanasia, again "if" it was necessary. I'm just going to let them check her and see where she is at with her disease.
3) When I got to the vet, it was 2 total strangers that looked at Daisy. They didn't know her or her history; and of course, Daisy did not know them. This was a huge sign from God that HE wanted me to wait.
4) This unknown vet did of course suggest it, but even said I don't have to do it today... another HUGE sign from God !!!
Satan clouded my mind with confusion, worry, pressure, and fear that Daisy would get worse, that my new room mates would get upset at another new accident caused by Daisy on their off white carpet, and then that fear I had that maybe I was keeping her here for selfish reasons if I took her home; and so I told the vet to do it, without a blink in my eye. I was shocked what I was saying as I'd only say this in a nightmare, but I wasn't going to back out cuz I got scared that maybe Daisy was in pain (knowing that she just needed some time to adjust to the move and that this was just a hard week for her).
The worst part is I made that decision WITHOUT EVEN GOING TO GOD FIRST... I NEVER do that with ANY decision I make in my life... even trivial decisions. Although I had been praying for months for God to guide me, that moment at the vet I had not prayed first.
Well, I surely suffered the consequences, as she did not go fast like they said she would. I believed it would go fast because I remember when I put my cat to sleep, it took less than 5 minutes for them to put the catheter in before they brought her back into the room to be with me before they gave her the dose. When they gave her the dose, she was out in less than a second. It was fast and she had a look of peace in her eyes.
That didnt happen with Daisy. When I handed her to those strangers to put the catheter in, I thought it would be 5 minutes before they would bring her back; however, 30 minutes went by and I could not understand what was going on. They came out and said they can't bring her in the room and told me to go with them in the back. It was then when I saw both of Daisy's front and back leg covered in blood where they kept trying to put the catheter in and 3 people holding her down. She weighed only 10 pounds and had not eaten in over a week, but it still took 3 people...
They let me try to hold her down and all I could keep seeing was the look of fear and panic and wonder and confusion in my sweet precious dogs eyes. At that point, I knew I could not turn back,as she was now in real pain and traumatized from what they were doing to her. I asked them to please hurry and give her the dose, as I was holding her down and trying to calm her. They gave her the dose but minutes went by and she did not go out... I asked God why was this happening? The vet was astonished but said sometimes it can take 2 doses and gave her another... more minutes went by and all I kept thinking was how wrong my decision was - she was fighting to live - she wasn't ready to go that day - I wasnt even going to let it happen that day! Her heart was still pounding 90 to nothing and she was not at peace. I dont remember if I was even praying - all I kept seeing was she was not dying pain free and I had put her through extreme agony and torture.
Suddenly, they made me leave the room and I could not understand why, but said they would bring me back before she dies, but when I came back she was gone. I did not get to be with her. She did not look at peace. And now all I know and remember was that her last moment with me was not being in her favorite spot falling asleep in my arms, it was of her feeling scared and confused and betrayed and unloved and that she died in extreme pain. The scared look on her little face and pain she suffered will haunt me the rest of my life.
If I had listened to my heart - listened to God -it would not have happened this way..
Please ALWAYS listen to your heart... this is how God speaks to us - Listen to God.
To all my friends, please pray Daisy is at peace... I'm sick with worry that because of how she died, she is not at peace....
Please pray she is at peace and that she knows I love her with all my heart.
Shannon Reagan
shannonlreagan@yahoo.com
321-784-1468 Tech Support
