I feel like I need to write this "letter" as I cannot describe how lonely I am without my boy, who we lost 3 weeks ago today.
It seems like yesterday, my "Spenie", that your 'dad' said, "let's just try it for the weekend and see how it goes." It didn't take long for my "pumpkin" to find a special place in my heart. After 12, short years together,I can hardly believe it is 3 weeks today that we had to say good bye for the last time.
As a stray, I always thought we adopted you, however, I know in my heart that you truly adopted us.You were a God send. An angel sent to us when we needed you the most. It has been the joy and privilige of my life to be your 'mom'. You brought us more pleasure and fun than can ever be described in words.
I miss you so much - everywhere I look in this quiet house I see you. Everytime I eat something, I expect you to be at my side, looking at me with those beautiful brown eyes or with your head on my lap,the gentle nudge to let me know you are there waiting for a taste. I could never resist!
I miss the special morning ritual we had when I would wake, look down at your bed and say, "morning, pun'kin" and you would stretch and yawn. I'd get up, lay next to you, hug, kiss you and scratch your belly. When your were in your "lovey" moods, I was even able to get a kiss when I asked. Then we would have breakfast together.
Coming home to an empty house is awful. I miss hearing your footsteps on the stairs and floors, seeing you come through the dining room into the kitchen to greet me, tail wagging - always ready for hugs and kisses. I miss seeing you sitting next to your special cabinet waiting patiently and sometimes impatiently for a goodie!
I miss evenings when you would lay in the family room with us. I miss good night kisses. I miss waking up at night, looking down where your bed was, next to me on the floor and seeing you content and sleeping - often on your back with those long legs in the air!
I miss coming upstairs and seeing you snuggled and comfy stretched across my bed. I miss you jumping into bed with me early in the morning or being able to comfort you when you were scared because of a thunder storm.
I miss freezing in the shower - as you always had to push the door open and stay in the bathroom with me until I got out. You never would let me close the door, or you would bark until I opened it!
I miss feeling safe when you were in the house with me. That deep bark of yours was scary! If the meter readers only knew what a friendly, gentle baby you were! You always thought that when that doorbell rang, whowever was on the other side was here to see you!
When it snowed this week, all I could think of was how you would run out into the backyard and stick your nose in the snow. You looked so cute with your nose covered in white snow against that beautiful black fur.
I miss seeing you at the front door looking out the window; miss hearing your bark and seeing you sitting on the steps to get a better look out the window to see what was going on outside.
Your 'dad' misses walking you everyday and I so miss the stories of the adventures the two of you seemed to have on your walks!
Life is just not the same without you. The pain in my heart and soul is so great-I cry everyday and wish that there was just one more day with you-that I could cuddle with you, scratch your belly, give you hugs & kisses and tell you again how much I love you, how much you mean to me.
It's hard to imagine life without you. You were so very special - even those who didn't like dogs couldn't help but fall in love with that personality of yours! What a gem. No one that ever saw or met you didn't remark on what a beautiful or "handsome" boy you were -even until the very end. And you were!
My heart aches when I think about the cancer growing so quickly after a year of being cancer free, the seizures you endured that night and the last two weeks when you tried your hardest to get used to the seizure medication. I am so grateful that God answered our prayers and you never had another seizure, however, the hurt is so great that despite that, the cancer still seemed to be taking over and there was nothing left that I could do for you. I hurt for you when weren't able to get up or walk on your own those last two days, and remember the look in your eyes not understanding what was happening.
I am so thankful God gave me a job that I could work from home and be home with you so much for the last year and a half. You were my constant companion and joy. I am so thankful and grateful that you had been so healthy all of your life and that it was just the last few weeks that you were sick.
You were so brave 3 weeks ago today - so calm. I know that God gave you a very special peace, just as we had prayed for. When I told you it was ok to go, that you didn't have to fight this awful disease anymore, I did mean it. But, it doesn't help the hugh hole left in my heart.
I know that you are in Heaven, you are well, walking, running and jumping like you used to. No more trips to the vet which you hated, no more sickness, no more medicine or chemo. I believe that God loves you and me and that one day we will see each other again. I believe that despite my grief and pain, God, in his mercy and goodness put you into my life and that His hand was in all of this - despite how difficult loosing you has been. We could not have had a better doctor to care for you this past year, and we could not have asked for a kinder, more compassionate and understanding doctor that helped us allow you to leave us.
Spencer, if I could tell you that I would have kept you forever - cared for you forever regardless of what you needed, I would. It was just not fair to allow you to continue to get weaker and not have the ability to walk or stand on your own. Your were much too wonderful a baby to allow it, for selfish reasons - because we never wanted to loose you, to go on like that. You were always so full of life and energy that it was so hard to see you slipping away.
Spencer, if I could hold you in my arms again, I would tell you that there would never be another baby like you - ever. When God made you, he broke the mold! I would tell you that I would love you forever and thank you for the happiness that you brought to my life. I would thank you for all the times you let me lay my head on you and cry through the years, and for all the times that you did your best to "wipe" away my tears. I would thank you for your unconditional love and affection, your gentleness and just for being you.
I miss you so much, my baby. The tears just continue to flow. I hold dearly every memory, every moment that I had you in my life. I thank God that He created you just to live with us! I will always wonder where you came from, how we were fortunate enough to find you and even what "mix" of breeds you were. But, that doesn't really matter, for you were perfect in every way. You will always be my sweet baby boy. My one and only sweet boy who stole my heart - and will have a large piece of my heart forever. I will be forever grateful for how you enriched my life and thankful that God brought you to us.
I pray that in time the tears will stop flowing so easily and that I will be able to remember how funny you were and how much fun you were. You were never, ever a burden - not for one minute. I just wish that there was a way that I could have "cured" you and held you for many more years to come.
My "Spenie" and all the other many loving names I had for you, you will live on in my heart forever. Your pictures are all over the house and your two most favorite toys are within my reach at all times. I could not bare to put them away. You are and will always be my baby boy. I miss you more than I can describe, but I am so grateful that you are not sick anymore.
My sweet, sweet boy - I love you with all my heart and soul. Thank you for sharing your life with me - thank you for finding and adopting us!
Your 'mom and dad' will love and miss you forever and a day.