Another month has passed - another 30 days that marks 4 months since the day Spencer left. The days pass quickly, yet it seems like forever. Forever since I've seen his face and felt his soft, silky hair; forever since I hugged and kissed him; forever since there were excited footsteps on the stairs and floors coming to greet me; forever since there was laughter at something funny he did; forever since I have found his favorite toys all over the house; forever since I would awaken at night and see him sleeping on his bed next to me and smile, contented knowing my Spencer was there; forever since my heart was broken into a million pieces.
There are days when the loss is so difficult that I don't think I can make it through another minute. There are days that I dread coming home and sit in the car in the garage because I can't bear opening the door to an empty quiet house. There are days when I am home alone in this quiet house and the tears run down my face when I look at Spencer's pictures. There are days when I feel the warm Spring sun on my face and cry at the picture in my mind of taking a long walk with Spencer or remember the last time he and I went to the dog park. There are days that I look out into the yard and imagine I see him running around, hiding under the bushes and lifting his head and nose into the air and those floppy ears blowing in the breeze. There are days when I desperatly wish to have the chance to hold him one more time and tell him how much I love him. There are days when I think that life will never, ever, be normal again because he's gone.
Then, every once in awhile, there are days when I find myself day dreaming and smile, remembering a tender thought or memory of my sweet boy. Sometimes there are days that my heart feels comfort and peace, knowing that I no longer have to worry about him, where the cancer will spread next, the seizures...Peace knowing that the God who created Spencer is now caring for him in a wonderful place called Heaven. There are days that I feel so priviledge to have had this wonderful, sweet boy to love and to be loved by him so unconditionaly. There are days that I know that I am a better person for having had Spencer in my life.
As I cross off another month on the calendar without my sweet boy, there is one thing I know for certain. I will always love and miss him forever and a day.