4/27/10 Hey my precious baby boy, how are the rainbows today? This is the thirty seventh week alone without you here with us. We had a bad storm the other night and I thought about how scared you would have been and I was so glad that you didn't have to go through that my love. I am glad that you are safe in God's arms. Shiloh went for her second ultrasound yesterday and we found out that she is going to have a little girl. You would have been so sweet with her and loved her so much. I can just see you playing with her in the front yard and protecting her from everything. I miss you so much honey and I long to hold you so much. Send me down all of your love honey because I need it so badly. You always have all of mine and I hold you in my heart always.
5/4/10 Oh my beautiful sweetheart, I miss you so much my love. This is week thirty eight you have been away from me. It seems like it has been so long and I long for you, I ache for you, I cry for you. Please look out for Grub he left this world this week. He is a friend of mine's tiny little white rat and I know you will look out for him and make him feel welcome up there with you and your friends. Shiloh is halfway through her pregnancy and everything is going well. Her little girls name is going to be Kadance Ann and you would have loved her I know. Sing me a song, talk to me my love, send your kisses on the wind, to me in my heart. You will never be forgotten, you will live on this earth with me in my heart until my time comes to join you baby.
5/11/10 Hello sweetness, my wonderful little son. Today it has been thirty nine weeks or nine months since you left this earth. I can't believe it has been that long. I can see you so clearly, I can feel you so vividly. You fill my heart, my soul, my mind with your love and sweetness. I will always carry you around with me. The kitchen is coming along pretty well, but there is still a lot to do before I am finished. Shiloh is getting big, so Kadance is growing well. My baby girl is having a baby girl. You would have been so loving and protective of her I know. Watch down on all of us here who are missing you so much my love. Come to me each night and lay beside me while I sleep. Let me feel your love and take mine with you.
5/18/10 Hi there baby boy, you make me smile just to think of you, you give my heart so much pleasure. This is now week forty, so, so long since your tired little body went to be with God. Last week when I read my letters to you, is the first time I didn't cry doing that. My mind is full of such a mixture of strong emotions, all playing off of each other. They seem to be at conflict all the time. It is so hard to control them and to know how to feel from minute to minute. Life can be so beautiful, but it can be so hard also. We humans are very fragile in comparison to the earth's physical laws. Our minds can cross over that thin little line from sanity to insaneness so easily, so it always seems to be a dance on a tightrope at all times. The thing that keeps me balanced is you baby, knowing that you are watching down on me and wanting me to be happy and have a good life. Keep your love and happy spirit coming to me always. I need it like a drug to sustain my life. You are with me always my love.
5/25/10 Hello my love, how are you doing this week? I am feeling calmer, I am feeling stronger. This is week forty one that you have been gone. Daddy left this week for a little vacation and when he was gone I realized that this was the first time in five years that I had been alone for any length of time without you my love. The house always feels so empty without your company. I know that you want me to be happy, that was always the lesson I got from you...to enjoy life, to see all of it around me, the big and the small. I close my eyes and I can see you so clearly, I can feel you in my arms, I can smell you. You awaken all of my senses and fill me with light. I still cry for you my son; I still miss you so much and long for you. I know my life will go on without you, but it is still so hard. Come to me, lay with me while I sleep and send me all of your love that you gave me while you were here on this earth my baby.
6/1/10 Hi there sweetness, I love you so much honey. This is week forty two and I miss you just as much as ever. Your passing has changed me forever and your life definitely changed my life. I am so glad and happy to have had the privilege of being your mommy, of having you love me like you did. Thank you for that my son. This week I helped Shiloh set up the nursery for Kadance and we got the crib and furniture for her room. I thought about how much I wanted you to be there with us to share in the excitement. I feel your presence with me all the time and I feel your love for me raining down. Everything still reminds me of you and I keep you alive in my heart and mind baby boy. I will always show Kadance your picture and she will know you my sweet wonderful beautiful baby boy.
6/8/10 Oh my love where are you baby, I miss you so much, I try to control my emotions because when I let go, the tears just pour out of me for you and the pain is so bad. I will miss you all the days of my life and I will remember you for eternity. This is week forty three now and Thursday will be ten months. God gave us emotions so that we can feel life, we can feel love, but when we lose life and lose the love, it is so hard to want to stay here without that love anymore. I need your love so badly, I need to feel you in my arms and soak up your sweetness baby. You fill my senses with your spirit and I love and miss you so much it is unbearable sometimes, it hurts too much. Cody's daddy is getting a new puppy in a few weeks and he is going to name her Shiloh. Dream of us together and send me that dream my love so I can see you and hold you again.
6/15/10 Hello my love, I am bathing in your memory every day. This is week forty four that you have been with God in his heavenly home. When I think of how wonderful and perfect you were, what a fantastic friend and companion you were to me, I am so amazed and feel so lucky that I was able to know that kind of unconditional love in my life. Since you have been gone, my life has changed again. I try and fill it up with other things, but they don't do it. I need you honey, my baby to kiss and hug me. I need to hold you in my arms and feel your warmth. Look for Lucky up there at the bridge. He too had to leave this earth. Comfort him and be his buddy, introduce him to all of your friends. Come and visit me my love, every night as I sleep. Drift into my dreams and let me feel your loving presence.
6/22/10 Hi there my wonderful little boy. This is week forty five that you have been away from me. The days slip by and melt into each other and each day I long for you in my life. I cannot stop thinking about you, I cannot stop wanting you, I cannot stop kissing your picture each day when I come home and each night before I go to bed. You are my strength in my life. You give me courage to go on, to stay here and live, but I miss you so much. Chili had to go last week too, so look for him as well and let him join in your group of friends. My heart is a vessel filled with your memories of how wonderful and sweet you were, how amazingly you loved me my son. Come join me each night as I sleep and dream with me of us together again my love.
6/29/10 Oh my sweet, sweet boy, you are my inspiration, you are my strength, you are my light. I think of you and I feel enriched. I feel that I can go on with my life, but I need you with me, I need your support, your spirit, your sweetness to keep me grounded here on this earth. I will never be without you in my heart, I will never stop loving and missing and wanting you here with me. I will teach Kadance all about you and let her know how wonderful you truly were. I got to meet Jim's new little puppy Shiloh today. She was so sweet and only made me miss you more honey. There are so many doggies, that need love I know, but I miss you too much to have another one. Please come to me while I sleep and watch over me, bring with you your love and comfort for my soul baby boy.
7/6/10 Hello honey, how is my wonderful little boy today? I know that you are doing well and bathing in God's goodness. I go on with my life here on earth without you, but I never stop thinking of you, never stop missing and loving you honey. It is so strange that so many people will never know what it is like to have a love like ours. To never know how much an animal can love and enrich your life. Thank you baby for all you gave me and thank you God for letting us be together if only for a short while. The kitchen is coming along well and Shiloh and Kadance are getting bigger. I so wanted the two of you to be together my love. Come to me baby, come and sleep with me, come and dream with me each and every night we will be together until the day finally comes that we are truly reunited baby boy.
7/13/10 Hello my precious little one. How are you doing, how are you feeling, what is it like where you are? This is week forty eight that we have been apart and each week is an eternity. I picture you up there, lying in a field of beautiful green grass, surrounded by other animals, all living together peacefully. God is there with you watching over everyone as he does and everything is perfect there for you. You are happy and watching down on me. At night you come and lay beside me in bed. I can feel your soft warm body touching mine so closely. I can feel your heart beating and I can hear you breathing. My love you are the best thing that could have ever happened to me in my life. You came to me when my life was in turmoil and you helped me to survive with love and joy and peace and you were my best friend, my protector and companion. I can never thank you enough for loving me as you did and being there for me always. I am now here for you always my son. You live with me in that special place just for you in my heart baby.
7/20/10 Hi there sweetness, how is the most wonderful, beautiful, baby boy ever created doing? This is now week forty nine and I miss you just as much as ever. I know you are watching down on me from up in your wondrous home. You see me here missing you so much, crying for you and I know you just want me to be happy. I am trying to go on, trying to survive, but it isn't the same without you here. We are getting ready to go on our vacation again, just like last year, just like the last one you took. I will picture you with me all the way again and I am so sorry baby. We had the baby shower for Shiloh and Kadance this weekend and it was wonderful. I keep picturing the two of you together playing and napping....your favorite things to do. Please come and stay with me my love, I am so lonely and I miss you so much honey.
7/27/10 Hi there baby boy, how is my sweet little one today? This is the fiftieth week that you have been away from me. It is almost one year. We are on our vacation like we took with you last year. I keep feeling like you are in the back of the van as we drive along. I keep turning around to see you, I keep wanting to let you out when we stop, but only your picture is there in the back with Kenny, Diesel and Lee. We stopped and spent the weekend with Larry's cousin and their two dogs, Abby and Jax and we had such a good time. It was so nice spending time with them and the dogs and it made me miss you even more. I carry your spirit around with me in my heart, always, forever and for eternity my son. I will love you all the days of my life and some day we will be together again my love.
8/3/10 Hey there baby boy, this is week fifty one. I can't believe that in one more week, you will have been gone for one year. We have been without you for so long baby, I still miss you so, so much honey and I will never stop. We have been on our vacation all week and we have now started the endless yardsale like you went with us last year. I miss you so much honey and I so wish you were here with us my love. If I could change time I would and bring you back to me. You were my whole world baby and I want you so badly honey. Please come to me my love and bring me peace and love like you always did.
8/11/10 Well the day is here my love, the one year anniversary of your death. I can remember that day so clearly in my mind, the terror and panic I felt when I realized that you were gone from this world. That feeling haunts me and consumes me sometimes. Then I just try and remember you honey, the real you, the loving wonderful spirit that you had. You were amazing and perfect and now you are one of God's special angels. Everyday for the past 365 days, I have thought of you, I have remembered you and cherished every memory that I have of you. I have loved from the depths of my soul and missed you with the vastness of the universe. Almost all of those days I have cried for you, but I am really crying for me because I miss you so much baby. I miss not being able to see you and hold you and kiss you and see your sweet wonderful smiling face looking at me. You are the joy of my life, you will live inside of me, in that special place I have just for you and I will carry you with me everywhere for the rest of my days my love. God thank you again for Gator, for the love that he gave to me, for the spirit that he exuded and passed along to everyone who every met him. Gator was my best friend, my love, my companion, my protector and my son and I am so privileged to have had him in my life and be loved by him like I was. I saw these words again each night; "Night, night my love, sweet dreams and sleep tight my love, come down and lay with me while I sleep, share with me my dreams and let me hold you in my arms once again my love, my life, my son".
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