I can’t believe you’re gone. Every day, every hour, every minute I look for you and I have to remind myself that you’re no longer here. All I’ve known is you as we grew up together- got you at 9 and I’m now 23. I don’t know this house without you. I don’t know my life without you. Nothing at all is the same. I have to constantly distract myself or else all I can do is cry to the point where I struggle to breathe. I scroll through my pictures and seeing you there but knowing I’ll never see you again creates a feeling I can’t even describe. Each day the pain is growing despite the saying that “time heals”. Each day that I wake up and I can’t let you out to pee and I can’t feed you and kiss you is a day that immediately starts off bad. Each time that I come into the house and you’re not here to greet me it breaks my heart. Each day that it’s warm and I can’t take you for a good walk makes me wish it stayed cold all year round. Heart failure sucks and I know you fought a great fight, the first episode you bounced right out of it. The second time you fought hard as well and even seemed better some days but unfortunately you got too tired and mommy would never let you suffer. Just knowing you were in pain hurt me and I couldn’t see you that way- you didn’t deserve it. Now however, the pain I feel is so strong I ponder which feeling is worse- seeing you in pain or not having you here. I would never allow you to stuffer so I tell myself I did the right thing. I feel so guilty. Could I have done more? Could I have picked better vets? Could I have started you on a supplement? Or a better diet? Did I do enough, soon enough? Should I have taken you back to the vet that second time back to back which is what threw you back in HF? So many questions I ask myself each day to which I don’t have an answer to. I just have to say what feels best and what sounds right even though I’m not sure. It’s only been 2 weeks so this is the tough part, the adjustment period, the part that is the most fresh so it hurts the most, but I’m not sure this pain will ever go away so long as you’re not here. I know you’re not in pain anymore and that does bring me some peace and joy because you are my sunshine and your happiness brings me happiness. I wish I could know that you were at peace for absolute sure but as long as you’re not physically here suffering I guess that’s enough of an answer. This is not goodbye, this is see you later. I hope you’ll be waiting for me at the rainbow bridge where we can reunite and do all the things we used to do. I’ll always love you and I miss you oh so much!