Dear Precious Wilma,
I lost you four days ago, and it hurts like hell. I knew that it might happen someday soon, and I dreaded it. You were such a constant sweet presence in my life for 20 years. Thank you. You always talked to me,constantly sat on my lap and slept on my chest every night, and whatever chance you got. Now my lap is empty and my chest aches for you.
I'm so blessed that you and your sister Betty came into my life 20 years ago. You girls were birthday gifts from my sister Laura; it turned out you were the most special gifts I'll ever receive. Fortunately the animal control officer was able to catch you on a farm, and Laura still recalls when the two crazy smelly kittens were brought into the bank where she worked.
When I first adopted you both, you were the talker from Day One. I brought you up to my sister Lisa's apartment for the first night. You meowed at me so loudly all night long that I couldn't sleep. I didn't know what to do so I awoke Lisa. She was none too pleased!
I fell in love with you and Betty from the start. You were so cute together. You-a female orange tiger cat (unusual since they're almost always male) and Betty-a tortie, loved to play. I hot-glued a bell to a pom-pom, and you loved the game of chasing that down the hallway of my apartment building. After play, you and Betty always curled up together to sleep or relax.
When my apartment building was on fire, I had a heck of a time frantically grabbing you and Betty from under the bed, with your nails dug firmly into the carpet. I ran down the fire stairs with my two little kittens. When the local baker took us into his shop, you played and ran all over the bakery.
After the fire, I purchased a home. You loved that- especialy exploring the outside. You even seemed to be street savvy. You loved to be outside with me while I was doing yardwork. At some point, I decided the street was too dangerous and you became indoor cats. Those were the wonderful years when I had both you and Betty.
When you were about seven years old, I adopted 2 little kittens that had been rescued from the center of a country road. Lily and Daisy, 2 gray and white tiger kittens, entered the picture.
From the very start, you and Betty were smitten with the kittens. Lily and Daisy adored you too. It was wonderful to see the special cat bonds that developed. Those were the very BEST OF TIMES.
Then at 14-15 years, we lost your sister Betty to kidney failure. My heart was broken. You were the old matriarch main cat in the house now. It was no problem when I adopted the timid little tortie,Rose(bud), in honor and memory of Betty.
Shortly thereafter we tragically lost Lily from sepsis after surgery for a lymphocytic thymoma.Despite the good prognosis, Lily had an extremely horrific death. I was traumatized with grief and guilt. Daisy lost her best buddy Lily. Wilma, you stepped right in as her best buddy. You always took care of things. You always let me know quite vocally when food, treats or attention was required. I usually understood what you wanted! With no problem, I brought another kitten into the family. I adopted a gray and white kitten- who I named Calla-in memory and honor of Lily.
At about 15 years, you somehow injured your back or hind legs. You couldn't walk without falling over. Thank God that some Prednisolone and activity restriction eventually worked to get you walking again. But now your hind legs weren't so strong anymore. They also found that you had arthritis all through your spine. I'm so grateful that my efforts were good and right for you then, my Wilma.
Then an old male orange tiger cat started hanging out under my car. He was starving. After feeding him for awhile, I had him checked out and Barney was added to your cat family. This was no problem. You loved to curl up and sleep with Barney. Your cat family now included you, Daisy, Rose, Calla and Barney.
As an older cat, you developed chronic kidney disease. You let me administer weekly subcutaneous fluid treatments, with just the usual vocal complaint. You also became increasingly frail. You struggled to get to your favorite spots (like my bed) by using your front claws to pull you up. Most of the time you were successful, but sometimes you fell back on your hind legs now. You would just give it another try.
As an older cat,you also became more strongly bonded to me than ever. You were crazy about me, and I for you. You always wanted to sit on my lap, even for very short sits. You slept on my chest every night, and also whenever I laid down to watch a movie. You wanted to spend every moment you could with me. I think you hung on for 20 years just to stay with me. Thank you for all those special moments.
On Tuesday 6/7/2011, I lost you. I put you to sleep with kidney failure. I was so blessed to have you for 20 years. Your constant sweet presence is now gone, and it's hard to bear. I pray that you are now with your sister Betty and with Lily. I also pray that the little kitten eaten alive on my doorstep is with you.
It was so important for me to do right by you in the end, but I didn't. I was so petrified that I would lose you that I made poor decisions. Forgive me. First of all, when I noticed you having difficulty in the litter box, when nothing was happening, I should have gotten you checked out. You were also having occasional incontinence episodes. This is probably when chronic kidney disease started turning to kidney failure.
Five nights before you died, I noticed you were very bony and might be in kidney failure. I gave you a subcutaneous fluid treatment that night and the next. That seemed to make you feel better so I backed off on the fluid. My world revolved around you for 4 days,as I tried to build you up with hourly feedings. I let you take a short walk in the backyard each day to build up your legs.I cut up 2 canteloupes, as you always loved to lick the juicy rinds. You seemed to be responding. Then I noticed on Monday how painful it was for you to get comfortable when laying down. I called the vet and I got some Prednisolone,and made an appointment for 4PM 6/7/2011. That day was torture waiting for the appointment,and I was so afraid of losing you. I finally called my Dad to come with me to a veterinary hospital. This was 5 days after I knew there was a problem! What was I thinking? My thinking and judgment were impaired by the terrible fear. I'm sorry.
At the veterinary hospital, they found that you were in kidney failure and very anemic. Your kidney lab values were off the chart bad. It also seemed that your stomach was uncomfortable when touched. Other than that you weren't in any apparent distress. You were able to walk around. Your body had probably gotten used to the chronic kidney disease and anemic state.
The options for you were to admit you to the hospital for several days, and try aggressive hydration (risk being cardiac or lung complications) that wouldn't cure you but might put you back into a chronic condition. The anemia could then be treated with Erythropoetin. You could be put to sleep, or I could take you home.
We were brought out to a little garden area to be together and for me to decide what to do. You walked all around the garden. It was so hard, and I kept changing my mind every few minutes. I knew you wouldn't want to stay at the hospital. Your sister Betty died of cardiac arrest after aggressive hydration. The doctor kept checking in, and the euthanasia decision was made.
You hated the catheter insertion; it was very traumatic and you were agitated. I brought you back out to the garden, but you were still agitated. Before I could really calm you, the procedure was underway. I spoke to you. I think I told you I loved you, and you were going to be with Betty and Lily. You were gone and I kissed you.
I'm not at peace with my final decision either. I'm definitely not a person to make quick decisions, and I kept changing my mind. In hindsight, I should have had you hydrated and brought you home for the night, and to the local vet the next day. You would have been more comfortable there. Serious hydration was never really tried. Again my judgment was impaired. I'm sorry I fell short in the end. I couln't undo what I had done, though I longed to.
I take some solace in knowing that you had a long, happy cat life until a week ago. You were dearly loved, and you had your person to sleep with every night. I am so grateful we were blessed with 20 years together. You had your cat family too. I miss you terribly. I promise to become a better cat owner for the other cats. I'll love you always. God bless you and keep you, My Precious Wilma.